By Becky McBoom

“It’s okay to be selfish”: At first glance, this saying might seem counterintuitive to the narrative we are trying to create for ourselves when taking a break from alcohol or abstaining indefinitely. After all, weren’t we sometimes selfish when we were drinking? We can lie to our loved ones about how much we are drinking, or if we’ve been drinking at all. We can prioritize alcohol over our jobs, financial security, family, and friends. We can manipulate people to get whatever we need to continue drinking. We can ignore how our alcohol use affects those around us. When I first stopped drinking, doing things like asking folks not to bring alcohol into my house or turning down invites to events that I knew would be triggering seemed very selfish. Then one day, after listening to a few episodes of the podcast Sobriety Uncensored, it hit me. I wasn’t being selfish; I was holding boundaries.

You have likely already found some new boundaries that you’ve had to hold to succeed in your abstinence break. It could be skipping happy hour with friends, avoiding situations that are normally stressful for you, or asking your partner not to drink around you. At first, these things may seem selfish. And you definitely might have people in your life who view them as selfish and put you down for holding these boundaries. But as any recovery group will tell you, holding boundaries is a crucial part of abstinence. This is especially true in the beginning when you are figuring out what your life will look like without alcohol (even for a short period of time). Boundaries allow you to communicate how you expect to be treated, even if that differs from your expectations of people in the past. It also helps you strengthen your “saying no” muscles, which are crucial when abstaining. To quote the author Elizabeth Gilbert, “Boundaries are important for personal growth, as they create space for self-discovery and self-care.” They help you protect your mental health and self esteem. You can always reevaluate your boundaries later on as your journey progresses. 

It can be challenging when people you care about don’t respect the boundaries that you have set forth. I’ve found that the folks in my life who have not struggled with their alcohol consumption are the worst offenders, because they simply don’t understand. While I’m happy that they have never had to battle these particular demons, it doesn’t give them an excuse to ignore the boundaries I have set. The best course of action that I’ve found is to be consistent. If I let someone violate my boundaries once, it sends the message that I will let them do it again. I use “I” statements to explain how their lack of respect for my boundaries affects me. For example, “I feel disrespected when you offer me a drink even though I’ve told you I’m not drinking,” or “I feel an urge to drink when you bring alcohol into my house.” At the end of the day, I remind myself that I can’t control anyone else’s reactions. I can only control how I respond to them.

If you need some help figuring out what kind of boundaries would be helpful to you, check out this worksheet from Therapist Aid. You can also read more about the different types of boundaries in this article from Bradford Health Services. Remember–boundaries may seem selfish at first, but they are a crucial part of maintaining an abstinence period of any time.