By Mike Horowitz

Another example of “look but don’t stare” in regards to maintaining my abstinence is when dealing with other people and situations. Comparing myself to others has always been a pitfall for me. When I see others drinking alcohol, whether moderately or abusively, I remind myself to always keep the focus on my drinking problem, not theirs, nor their ability to drink casually or moderately. I best not take their inventory, rather just my own.

So, I see them, I “look,” (how could I not, since my radar is always up when I’m around alcohol?), but I know not to “stare” at them too hard – to compare myself, to feel deprived or jealous, or to think, “why can’t I be them?” Rather, I turn to myself and accept my own drinking problem and feel both proud and grateful for the peace of mind and freedom of being alcohol “free” and for all its benefits. At the same time, I detach from the other person or people and avoid judging them, accepting them as I do myself.  

When I find myself in situations where there is a very high level of alcohol consumption, it is wise to check my disposition. Sometimes I am feeling extremely strong in my resolve and commitment to abstinence and can handle situations with a lot of heavy drinking around. I might even enjoy myself. But I always need to check myself. I will say that if I am in this kind of environment for too long a period of time, it can wear on me.

That might fall into the category of “staring” at it. As with people, these kinds of situations are best not lingered on and contemplated too hard or I just might end up comparing, judging, feeling left out and joining in. I know I can always leave or take a break if I feel shaky or that my abstinence is threatened. There’s no shame in protecting myself and owning my problem.  Sometimes the expression “if you’re not a lion tamer, don’t go into the lion’s den” can be good caution.

If I’m feeling good and at peace with myself throughout the event, then even better. I will stay by all means and have a good time, as long as I like. There’s plenty to drink that does not contain alcohol. Perhaps I’ve achieved a level of insulation from those “lions”, at least for the time being.  Again, I always check my disposition. This is an insidious problem I have and I know that. So looking within and being as honest with myself as possible is best. Staring outside of myself is dangerous. There’s a lot of delusion and illusion to sidestep. I know that ultimately the truth does set me free.

 All in all, when it comes to heavy drinking situations I’d say that it’s best to “know when to hold ‘em and know when to fold ‘em”. Know when to stop staring. It’s easy to delude myself.

Too easy. With effort and vigilance I can go anywhere and feel safe and at peace being abstinent.

One other example of looking but not staring is regarding the reasons I chose abstinence to begin with. There’s good in remembering and looking at those reasons. Reminding myself of the bad things that happened as the result of my alcohol abuse helps to motivate me to stay abstinent. But staring too hard at it, if that results in a lot of guilt, shame and/or remorse, can be counterproductive and unhealthy. After all, everyone wants to be happy and feel good. Conversely, a little remorse can go a long way to jump-start a period of abstinence and possibly prolong it.