Day 25 Lesson: A Note From the Other Side

By Becky McBoom

As the end of our 30 day abstinence break peeks over at us from the horizon, you may be thinking about what comes next. Will you pursue moderation, continue your abstinence streak for a little while longer, or commit to indefinite abstinence? While you don’t need to make a decision on that now, I want to offer some perspective from someone who initially committed to a 30 day break from alcohol and then made the decision to continue with indefinite abstinence. At the time I am writing this lesson, I am approaching two years of abstinence. While I do not regret my decision to quit drinking, and have no plans to return to it, I will admit that abstinence has its difficult moments. Some days are harder than others. But like anything else worth fighting for, getting through those difficult moments is absolutely worth it.

The most difficult part of abstinence for me has been learning how to face and cope with difficult emotions without alcohol. While I’ve never quite had a healthy relationship with alcohol, my final descent that led me to MM was primarily caused by grief. Even though I was going to my regular therapist, taking my mental health medications, and using multiple grief support services after my father passed, I was still relying on alcohol to help me avoid some of the most painful parts of grief. Even before this, I had used alcohol to cope with the depression, anxiety, and low self esteem that I associated with my mental illness. In reality, using a Central Nervous System Depressant like alcohol was likely contributing to the symptoms of my mental illness and not allowing the medication I was prescribed to take its full effect. Even knowing that this is probably the case, I do sometimes miss being able to have a few drinks to temporarily relieve these symptoms. 

Another thing I have struggled with in abstinence is feeling like I am “missing out” at social gatherings. Although many bars and restaurants in my area have started carrying nonalcoholic options, I will occasionally feel sorry for myself as I sip a Heineken 0.0 while all of my friends are enjoying the signature cocktail. I miss that way that the first few drinks made me feel (carefree, light, and social) as I see seemingly everyone around me start to feel that way. I miss going to wine tastings with my mom, taking shots at the bar during the bachelorette party, and doing bar crawls with my wife when we are on vacation. It seems unfair that other people are able to do these things without throwing their life into chaos like I always did. In these moments, I try to remind myself to be happy that the people in my life are still able to enjoy these things. I am happy that they have a healthy enough relationship with alcohol that they can partake at a weekend gathering without ending up blacked out by the end of the night. I am happy that they can relax with a few drinks without going too far and becoming a downright menace. I am not like them, but that doesn’t mean that I cannot be happy for them. I can look back at all of the fun that I had during my drinking days but still acknowledge that I am better off without it.

One of the most common drawbacks that I hear folks in the abstinence community discuss is the sleep disruption that initially comes with periods of abstinence. People who are used to using alcohol to help them sleep frequently report that they have a hard time falling or staying asleep. In reality, alcohol actually disrupts your sleep cycle. It can cause you to wake up in the middle of the night or feel tired in the morning, because the quality of your sleep is so poor. It can also be a contributing factor in the development of insomnia, and exacerbate sleep disorders such as sleep apnea. This article from the National Laboratory of Medicine explains more about the science behind how alcohol affects the quality of our sleep. While it seems cruel that the thing we rely on to help us sleep is actually hurting the quality of our sleep, it is important to remember that your sleep cycle will eventually adjust to the lack of alcohol. I have watched many people in the MMAbsers community (the abstinent sector of MM) who initially struggle with sleep issues when becoming abstinent persevere through the first few weeks or months and eventually report sleeping more soundly than they ever did while they were drinking. You can learn more about how long sleep problems may persist as well as tips for improving the quality of your sleep in this article.

The idea of continuing to stay abstinent and facing these challenges may seem overwhelming. I find it’s easiest for me to take things day by day or even moment by moment. You don’t need to commit to a lifetime of abstinence (or even to committing to extending your 30 day abstinence period) right now. Just know that the decision is yours, and you are the best person to decide what is right for your future. And no matter what path you choose, you will always have a home here at MM.