Mark, we are a peer support group, we do not have the means to predict whether someone can moderate or not, actually no one can predict this. What we can do is offer support, tools and strategies if your husband decides to explore moderation. He will be the one to figure out whether moderation is possible or desirable for him. Some of our members, after experiencing abstinent periods which are part of moderation, decide that abstinence is the right choice for them. Others, even though they may not moderate perfectly all the time, find that the positive changes and reduction they have achieved through moderation allow them to continue to enjoy drinking at a reduced level.

Living with a person who has been sneaking drinking is hard on spouses/partners and it is hard to build trust again. Sneaking drinking in itself is not a predictor of whether a person will be able to moderate their drinking or not. As a partner, it is important to know that there will probably be times when your husband overdrinks again and there may be times he hides this overdrinking, even if you have given him the space and support to be honest. Lifelong habits don’t disappear overnight, unfortunately. The goal is that these incidences become further and further apart and that the positive changes become the norm, and the old habits become the exception. This is something you and your husband should talk about if he decides to pursue moderation-remember, you have a right to your best life also and if you have concerns about him pursuing moderation vs. abstinence, you have a right to those concerns. It would be helpful for you to have your own support group and we have been talking about forming a group for a while but we don’t have that in place yet. It could also be helpful for your husband and you to see a moderation-friendly therapist who can help you talk about ways to avoid some of the hurdles you might face.

It is very good that he is seeking medical guidance. Quitting abruptly after daily drinking for that long of a period could be dangerous. We always recommend that our members seek medical guidance if they are concerned about withdrawal.

We are here for you, if you have any other questions and we are here for your husband if he decides he would like support to pursue moderation. I wish you both the very best.

Marybeth, we’re here for you! Contact me and I’ll be happy to answer any questions you have about MM.

Hi Kim,
I am happy to answer any questions you have. You can contact me at mary@moderation.org.
Mary